"I AM BROKEN OFF ON PIECES".
We recommend: .
"I AM BROKEN OFF ON PIECES".
History of one life.
Well, at last, hi, Valera, it I. The quite good beginning for
Letters from Australia to Moscow later 14 years, and? What is the time
Has passed - to become crazy, and you will look back - as one day.
It would be desirable to write you the big and detailed letter, especially
That I, as well as all here recently arrived, test the sharp
Deficiency of dialogue in Russian. And with you to us oh as is about what
To talk. So...
Truthful history about my life, or "14 years later". Summer 1988
Year: I have returned from Moscow to Khabarovsk full of creative plans
And more it is more - ambitions. Has got a job in the self-supporting
Association "Youth leisure" by the head
Rezhissersko-production group, has started to put the mass
Holidays, Days of cities, every possible festivals, beauty competitions
Etc., etc. all it was pleasant To me - constant trips, good
Money. In the end of a year we with Natasha have received apartment in the centre
Cities, Dimka (son) has gone to school, and we have defined it in
Elite English, in general, all was more than well. I
Quite often recollected you, a hostel on Trifonovsky, told about
To you to friends, read them verses. You remember our room in a hostel?
Your bed stood just under a Moscow map, and in a corner was
Still the board with a tiger. You then waited, when it will be possible
To accept theatre, and was nervous.
From this, the Moscow cycle of verses most of all it is pleasant to me
To you devoted, later on this text it has been written
The rock composition, it has entered into repertoire of a rock group "Track".
I who have terrified from a pain, I am broken off on pieces.
On edges, as on a paling, Souls torn up to pieces scraps.
Both the mortal melancholy, and a flour, And terribly would be desirable to get drunk.
I - as the pregnant woman of a bough Who has oshchenitsja...
This period - with 1988 for 1991 - was very productive in
The job plan. I have put some interesting representations,
Did "Jц rmala-90" - show - competition of young executors. In
Khabarovsk has made grandiose show - fireworks on the Cupid together with
Japanese, it broadcast more than in 100 countries of the world in the direct
Aether, the project financed "Tojota". After that project has received
The invitation to Japan, to Hokkaido. Three months put there with
Japanese festival about national culture ajnov (their natives)
And Far East small nationalities. Has returned therefrom - has gone in
States, to Alaska. There there is a small town Ferbanks, I there did
The international festival of ice sculptures. In general, became
The person known, respected and well paid.
And there has then come autumn of 1991, and all has ended. The union
Has collapsed, and as money for all these mass holidays and
Representations were from the state budget also orders did not become.
Some time still kept afloat - I did any silly
Presentations of firms, novorusskih banks, almost days of births
These newly appeared misters, but very quickly and this feeding trough
It was covered. I remained without money, without job, with two diplomas in
Pocket and with a heap of non-realised ideas which were to nobody
Are necessary. But to live as - that it was necessary.
I did any casual job for copecks: wrote texts for
Preview trailers, did European-quality repair in apartments, and gradually
All became worse and worse. Because of this eternal lack of money
Disorders in a family have begun. And I have started to drink. At first it is simple
Daily pjanki with friends, then, when jobs did not become
Absolutely, - one continuous hard drinking, as a free-fall jump without a parachute.
House disorders have outgrown in scandals, I that left the house,
That came back, vanished weeks. Natasha at first tried something
To make, has then given up as a bad job. In general, has ended with that we
Have divorced. To me became absolutely hrenovo, and I have washed down in a black way.
Probably, during this period there were any enlightenments, and lasted
It long enough, here some records of that time:
"pre" the Slow waltz in the Mad Country.
How cheerfully to live in the Mad Country Where every second is
spivshijsja the genius And where so much trues will open to me That is fast
I will go mad from such revelations.
It is not visible to main recesses of the end, And with pravdoju lie
Were mixed it is thin.
The moron turns suddenly to a wise man, the Yesterday's hero became
Next morning the geek.
At loonies the care is clear quite:
At first we will construct - then it is destroyed, And, completely sitting in blood and
Dung, At first we bury, then - it is revived.
At loonies and convicts a fate one, Also are happy all
Protection from above.
Also expensive country likes me, She likes me, and I - hate.
Also it would be necessary to breathe, yes it would not be desirable to live.
Also it would be necessary to pray - yes who to us will believe?
And in flight of wolves so hunting to raise a howl!
But it is necessary on-wolf, and I am not able.
And, knowing, that to me not to fall asleep all the same, Eyes on Lacteal rummaging
Ways, I Search for a star that has gone out for a long time, And light from it continues
To go.
In general, it is very interesting - destinies are how much interconnected
Here such former huge country and one separately taken
The person. And in general, all in this world far is not casual, more likely
Naturally and partly - it is predetermined.
I now am surprised, how I in general then could write something. And
After all at this particular time it is written much.
That period was terrible. We drank deeply, since morning to
Evenings. From time to time there were in the former houses, these
Arrivals always came to an end with terrible scandals. One of mine
Then friends (us was three, on classical Russian
Traditions) during one such visit has squabbled with the wife
Also it was hung up directly on a ladder platform near the apartment.
Another - Igor Chavchavadze, all previous years we with it
The guy-clear head, the electronics engineer from the God, gold worked together,
Hands, the lineal descendant of the Georgian prince - has died awfully, somewhere on
To street, as a homeless dog. We even did not know about it is well there is no it
Also is not present, yes drinks, probably, somewhere, - then already its steels
To search, and him already and have buried. Thanks God, have found a tomb, have resulted
In a normal kind. Yes, it is heavy it to recollect all. But all it
Was.
I rolled down all more low and more low. It was interrupted by the casual
Earnings: bleached ceilings, did repair in apartments, wrote
Cartridges in a sound department. And saws. In the former house I already absolutely
Did not appear, spent the night where it is necessary - on the former friends, on
To friends. And then - on a sound department - combined job
The operator and the watchman.
So has passed two years. And here once under New 1994 (studio
This sound recordings was in the life House), in akkurat on December, 30th, to
To me the woman from the next watch repair shop has glanced and has invited
To them in a workshop on Prenew Year's tea drinking. I, certainly,
Has agreed in hope that will pour, that, actually, and
Has occurred. And here I sit at them, have accepted on a breast, and me have incurred.
Has read something from verses - and the, and not the, - has then appeared
Guitar, I there something have sung even. And in the heat suddenly I see -
She looks at me and listens even attentively. I take and
brjakni to it: "You to cook a borsch are able?" She responds: I Am able". I to it
Then I speak: "And have gone with me, poorly?" She speaks: "Have gone".
At all has not asked where. We have arrived from it on that apartment, where
Hard drinkings at us occurred. Here me has incurred further away, I have begun
Before it to show off and vodka from a neck hlystat.
It has ended with what should, - I was cut down.
Has regained consciousness in the morning early: a status - would not wake up is better. But
The most surprising: I look - it here! I speak to it: "That with
Me such was yesterday? "She laughs:" You also in marriage for you
Suggested to go ". I to it:" Yes let it pass, with married, me so
Nasty, to me to drink that ". And it:" Listen, to drink you
You will be in time, you descend in church. Right now ".
I to such degree was stunned, that was not at all what to respond.
Has then thought and has decided, that it is right, and you know - have gone.
In a temple it was empty, anybody. I have come and I stand, I do not know, that
Further to do. Silently so I speak: "It I, My God. I have come". And
Has begun to cry. It is good, that was nobody, though to me was all the same.
I stand and sob violently, as the child.
I there two have stayed hour. Simply stood and cried. And you know,
Then so it became easy, so it is quiet on a shower, as very much for a long time not
Was, unless in the childhood.
Therefrom I have arrived to the life House, have found it and I speak: "Listen, you
Spoke, I in marriage called you yesterday, so you as, agree? "And it
Quite seriously speaks: "Agree". I speak to it: "You though
How call? "-" Lena ". Also speaks:" Have gone, I then you with
Mum I will acquaint ". Well we also have gone.
After New year she to me has told somehow: "Listen, and you that,
The fool? "I respond:" Yes like is not present. Far not the fool ". And it to me:" And
That you then ruin yourself? After all you the clever, beautiful muzhik, you
Look at itself what has reached! Result itself in a human kind,
You after all absolutely another ".
Next morning I washed, shaved, cut, in
Suit and the tie, similar to a concert grand piano "Yamaha", has come to
To the editor-in-chief of a broadcasting company "Far East" also has told: "to you
Young talented guys are necessary? Here it I. Perhaps not such and
Young, but talented it is exact ".
In three months I have done pass - a family television quiz show
"All about all for all family", something an average between "That? Where?
When? "And" a miracle field ". Transfer became without restraint popular,
Has blocked all conceivable ratings, at first I did one release in
Week, then - two on the air.
Next year I have received the Moscow award for the best
The regional teleprogram.
We with Lena have got married. Verses in this occasion were such:
Give we will not be about the past - all of us for the past.
In the answer We are guilty only in that We are guilty only in that That
Lived on one planet And our meeting was, of course, in the winter afternoon
Is not casual We We are guilty only in that are guilty only in that That
Earlier we have not met What to break off have managed a thread destiny
The outlined circle And us cannot be blamed for that And us it is impossible for that
Blame That we could not the friend without the friend To us only the God with you
The judge Also what there spoke But are innocent you and I But are innocent
You and I that we have simply grown fond.
Give we will not be about the past - all of us.
For the past in the answer We are guilty only in that We are guilty
Only in that That we live on a this world.
Affairs began to be adjusted on the sly. The son of Lena has come from army,
Evgenie. We with it have made friends, it the nice guy. At Dimki I too
Happened often, certainly, began to help them the money, one time
Dimka even worked together with me on transfer, quite often came
To us with Lena on a visit - in general, normal mutual relations,
What should be at the father with the son. And now I call to them almost
Every week, we send them money, parcels. Give the God, if at us
All will turn out: the first, that we will make, are we will pull out Dimku here,
That it could finish here university and receive the normal
Education. But it while plans. You are yet tired? Is not present? Well read
Further.
In the winter of 1996 my father has died. For me it was as a butt on
To head. It is literally for a day before we talked to it on
To phone, he asked, when we will arrive, asked to bring to it
Medicines, I told to it, that in the newspaper my portrait on the first
To strip and the big interview to me, he so rejoiced... And through
Day has died. To tell the truth, I cannot get used till now to it
- There was any feeling of fault before it, something we with it
Have kept back.
Much later, already before the departure to Australia - at me already
Tickets have been bought, to the plane - three days, - I have arrived to mother
To see. Strange, but it at all did not dissuade me, only
Has told: "it is painfully far". We have together gone on a cemetery to
To the father, on a tomb have got a wine bottle, have poured on a pile,
Have remembered... And here, you represent, on my eyes a bottle, which
I have put on a plate, unexpectedly falls and breaks
Into smithereens. Simply falls on one side - and into smithereens! As a sign any.
If the nobility - what...
When I have returned to Khabarovsk after funeral, at studio have begun
Fuss. When transfer becomes popular, around at once
There is a set of people which was not earlier: any
Sponsors, directors, producers. Well I come, and they,
It appears, money with might and main divides. Yes a horse-radish with them, with money, they,
You represent, quite seriously discuss, to whom belong
Copyrights to transfer! I speak to them: "Hloptsy, and where you
Earlier were, when I started to untwist this project without
Copecks of money? "In general, has spat upon all this business and has left. Oppositely
Became.
Has come home, Lena speaks: "That we will do now?" I to it:
"Not bois, it is necessary to wait simply that on a city the hearing has passed,
That I have left with gosudarevoj the companies ". And it is exact - in a week to me
Have called from a private broadcasting company "SET" and have offered job.
So I have appeared on "SET" the head of department of manufacture
Advertising. Actually, department yet was not, it was necessary it
To create from zero. But in two years in department already worked 20
The person of advertising agents and the company - and she lived only for the bill
Advertising - has passed to a round-the-clock announcement and has opened the
Television channel.
Advertising very profitable if it is in the private
Hands. Affairs at me have gone very well, we with Lena changed cars
Everyone half a year. The salary was quite good - in some months
Reached 8 thousand dollars. In July 1998 I have brought in
Krasnoyarsk on the All-Russia competition of advertising the jobs. There
There has arrived one Frenchman - at it absolutely unique collection
Preview trailers from all globe, more a half-million.
Now it in a collection has also my roller. From this competition I
Has brought "the Gold Map" to nominations "Social advertising" for a roller
About children. Affairs sharply have gone uphill, I have already developed the project
Creations of own advertising agency.
But here August of 1998 has come, and all has failed. This day have named
"Black Tuesday". Advertising after all directly depends on dollar. In
One day I have lost at once all clients. It was full breakdown.
Owners of the company subsidised news programs of others
Journalists, but they after all could not contain manufacture department
Advertising if advertising are not present. And at me from August till December -
One order. So I have again lost job.
There has come New year, 1999. In general, the thought to leave was,
Probably, for a long time, I am simple did not concern it practically - that
Here tomorrow to leave. I do not remember, when, but very much for a long time I
Has written "My house":
On what to me this house In which there are no windows, In him even mice
Could not live.
On what to me this house In which there are no icons So - there is no rest
As a hobby.
Also we wander together - I yes my soul, Trying to find to ourselves
Shelter.
And all anything, Yes is not present not a stiver - On church porches now not
Submit.
With otkrytoju soul We waited. Many years.
Also what? Have waited Nothing.
On what to me that country Where there is only a word "is not present", Where do not live,
And struggle for a life...
And I have broken myself, And I have bought the ticket, That past any more
To stir.
But... That to me the new house When you there are not present So - is not present
Rest as a hobby.
Also we wander together - I yes my soul.
Also we wander together - I yes my soul.
Also we wander together...
To thought to leave I concerned, more likely as to "it is possible,
Sometime ", but, probably, the quantity oblomov has reached the
Critical weight, and the decision - not to leave at all, more likely,
To try - has come at once and easily. Have solved so:
It will turn out - well, is not present - we will return. Here and it has turned out, that
On March, 25th, 1999 we have stepped into the Sydney earth, having
Tourist visas of all for one week and six thousand dollars
To debt.
From the very beginning to us has simply carried - already in hotel we casually
Have met the acquaintance, it has reduced us with the lawyer, that in the beginning
It was terrified and has named us by madwomen, but eventually we have submitted
Documents in immigration department, and in ten days I
Has come to work, of course, to Russian, because language first not
Was any - I in general, at the airport was horrified, - I did not understand
Words! The matter is that Australian English and normal
English are two big differences. But if you have started to understand
Australians, you will understand any English and with any accent,
And you will easily distinguish these accents.
Certainly, I understood, that nobody will rush to me at the airport with
The offer of job and with the salary of hundred thousand daily, that is I
More or less really imagined, that us expects.
First, certainly, Russian employer has primitively thrown me
- Has not paid cent for two weeks of job, it was very heavy:
We after all have arrived on credit, without money, without things, without anything. But
Gradually all was arranged: I have gone to work on a confectioner's shop
Factory - there not bad paid, but job was only at night, with
7 evenings till 7 mornings. Cooked karamel. Heavy, but in half a year
We could pay off completely with debts, have bought the car,
Have got some stuff.
In half a year there was some money for the bill, we
Have changed the car - now at us "Ford-Falkon" of 98th year, have bought
Body - video-and an audio equipment, the computer, well and so on trifles -
Belongings there, kitchen personal belongings etc. Well and it is, of course, regular
We send parcels and money to Russia - there after all remained mothers and
Sons, it would not be desirable, that they in something required, especially
We now can allow ourselves it.
Now at us business go normally. We wait for the decision on the status
Emigrants, it is a song long. I work at small factory
Meat delicacies, the expert in smoked products. Pay not so
That very much it is a lot of: 600-750 dollars a week, but suffice us.
At factory I unique Russian, the others - avstraly. Lena
Works in salon of tailoring of ladies' dresses.
Certainly, all it is temporary, because for a normal life
Other job - the business is necessary, it is necessary to take the house, the earth,
The second car, all it probably and now, but what sense to start
Without the status. It is necessary to wait for the decision of the destiny. Therefore we,
As well as all the others avstraly, we plough all the week long, and on a weekend we go
Somewhere to have a rest, the blessing here is where to go, the country in
This sense very much even adapted for a life. On the last
To week went to Melbourn, it is not so far from Sydney - 850 km.
In the nearest days off we wish to go to Canberra - there will be
Flowers festival.
I have looked the well-known musical of "Cat", recently was at a concert
"Dip Perpl", "EXPERT DS" directly in a bar - My God listened well-known,
If to me several years ago have told, that I can see all
It alive, I, probably, would become crazy!
Here not too it is a lot of Russian, at us so in general a circle of contacts
Very narrow - old Russian emigration "new" does not accept: 3 -
4 friends and 8 - 10 acquaintances - that's all. The others - English-speaking.
So already sometimes you catch yourself that you begin
To think in English! My word upon it! to Write, of course, I write, when
It is written. Well here from the last:
Across night Sydney the Lost the way taxi rushes about.
At Destiny character changeable.
I for the evening have invited her.
At restaurant with Russian name, Where chock smoked hall, I
To destiny has appointed appointment And, certainly, was late...
We are married Destiny tightly, Behind it is already so much years.
And on fingers beloju an instruction - From rings the remained trace.
Ah, Destiny my emigrant, What you all do not sleep at night?
That for a whim also that for obstinacy:
To go planes to meet?!
Nostalgia is not treated by vodka, I do not cry - the rain drizzles.
Across night Sydney the Lost the way taxi rushes about...
Certainly, Australia - a separate subject. It is the surprising country,
And it is possible to tell about it much.
It is time to finish, and even so the letter has turned out too
Long, you already, probably, were tortured to read. Simply very much it would be desirable
To talk slowly. Well while?
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA.
Michael FERENTSEV.
<$>
//* an information Source: the Literary newspaper, 26.09.01
//* Reg. Nom. - 1110900007.26-------------------------------------------
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